Pebble Hunting: Kill This Nickname

Bryce Harper is back in the Nationals starting lineup for Saturday night’s game against the Reds. Besides stitches, Harper also got a new nickname out the the deal: “Bam Bam.”—The Nats Enquirer

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Dear Mr. Harper,
I am writing this letter on behalf of Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens. It has come to Mr. Meulens’ attention that you are using a nickname that is associated with my client. Mr. Meulens owns full rights to use and profit from the nickname “Bam Bam,” along with the correct (but rarely used) “Bamm-Bamm,” as well as any combination that includes or does not include hyphens, including (but not limited to) “Bam-Bam,” “Bamm Bamm,” “Bam-Bamm” and “BamBam.” We recognize your interest in promoting your own self-image, but we must ask, Mr. Harper, that you not try to capitalize on Mr. Meulens’ fame.

Please provide written reply that you will follow this cease-and-desist order by May 16, 2012. If you refuse to comply, we will be forced to pursue against you all possible remedies.

Sincerely,
Winsten Beauregarde

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Dear Mike Trout’s Dad,
It has come to my attention that a former teammate recently described you thusly:

“He used to hold the bat like a gorilla,” recalls Morhardt, who was a first baseman/outfielder. “His hands weren’t pure, like an Adrian Gonzalez-type guy. It was like he was Bam-Bam.”

As you are no doubt aware, my client, Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens, holds all ownership of the nickname “Bam Bam,” as well as the more correct, but incorrect, variation by which you were recently identified. Because your teammate, not you, is responsible for violating our claim of ownership, we are merely extending a friendly request that you never describe yourself, or allow yourself to be described, as “Bam-Bam.”

Sincerely,
Winsten Beauregarde

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Dear Hunter Pence,
My client, Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens, recently learned that you sign promotional material with a nickname (“Bam Bam”) that you do not own. Your nickname is “Bam Bam”? I honestly have never heard that. When did you get it? Did you think it was clever when you first heard it and/or gave it to yourself? It’s not clever, Mr. Pence. It is the sole intellectual property of Hensley Meulens, who was given the nickname when he was playing softball as a teenager in Curacao. That was in or around 1982. Where were you in 1982, Hunter Pence? Were you a power-hitting prospect who could swing a bat like an unnaturally strong prehistoric baby? Or were you, as our records indicate, not even born to this earth yet? We await your response.

Sincerely,
Winsten Beauregarde

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Dear Mr. Kendrys Morales and Mr. Mark Trumbo,
It has come to the attention of my client, Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens, that you are both nicknamed “Bam Bam,” or derivations thereof. The heck? How did you both get the same nickname? You are on the same team. You play the same position. Your lockers are, like, three lockers away from each other. I understand that the rapid increase in worldwide population has put a nicknaming strain on us all, but surely there are more creative nicknaming opportunities than “call me whatever you call that guy over there.”

Regrettably, neither of you is legally entitled to this nickname, which has been the sole property of my client since he hit a home run in a slow-pitch softball game, then the next inning everybody backed waaaaaaay up, and he still hit it over their heads. That’s why they call him “Bam Bam.” It used to be novel, if you can believe it.

Sincerely,
Winsten Beauregarde

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To: Mike Stanton, Adam Dunn, Johnny Damon, Miguel Cabrera, Billy Butler, Lucas Duda, Carlos Santana

Dear sirs,
At the request of my client, Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens, I started plugging random baseball players’ names into Google to see whether they had ever been called “Bam Bam,” a nickname exclusively to be used by Mr. Meulens. The results of our investigation were troubling:

• Mr. Stanton, you told the Palm Beach Post that you are known as “Bam Bam.” I know you, Mr. Stanton, and I don’t know you as “Bam Bam” at all.
• Mr. Dunn, this was as predictable as they come. Please stop it, okay?
• Mr. Damon, I believe even you would agree that “he utterly clubs it” is an inapt description for you.
• Mr. Cabrera, I saw you called “Bam Bam” on a site that contained some sort of malware, so I can’t go back to it. Just trust me, right?
• Mr. Butler, we have learned that Bam Bam is “the official nickname” of Billy Butler. “In order for a player to be given a recycled nickname, he must be a superior player to the man whose name he is taking. No worries there.” Need we remind you, Mr. Butler, that Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens once hit .600/.667/1.200 over the course of a major-league season? Our records indicate you have never had an OPS higher than .857.
• Mr. Duda, an Internet-based author suggested you be known as Bamm-Bamm. “I can hear the Citi crowd yelling it now!!” This is quite serious. We are troubled that the Citi crowd is yelling it now!! We must insist that the Citi crowd cease and desist yelling it now!!
• Mr. Santana, “Rob from Columbus” asked the following on the Internet: “Santana reminds me of Bamm-Bamm Rubble with his swing at the plate. So I vote that his nickname be ‘Bamm Bamm.’ What do you think?” Mr. Santana, please be honest in your response to us: Are you “Rob from Columbus”?

Gentlemen, what makes any of you think you deserve this nickname? Is it because you each wore a diaper into your 20s? Because Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens did. Mr. Meulens wore a diaper well into his 20s. The strength of a nickname is almost entirely in its uniqueness. If we’re just going to screw around like this, let’s just call every player the Splendid Splinter and be done with it.

Sincerely,
Winsten Beauregarde

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Dear Simon Pond,
Presumably, you are no longer using your nickname, as you are out of baseball and long forgotten hahaha ok sorry, that was mean. If you are still interested in a nickname, perhaps something with your surname, Pond, would be more appropriate? The Quarter Ponder? That’s a great nickname, Simon! OK, we’re done here, thanks.

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Dear Brennan Boesch,
At the request of my client, Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens, I must insist you cease and desist from using the nickname “Bam Bam.” Frankly, it’s not clear how anybody called you “Bam Bam” in the first place. Was it the Wu Tang Nickname Generator? I could see you being nicknamed “Bam Bam” by a random widget like the Wu Tang Nickname Generator. OK, Mr. Boesch, we can solve this easily enough. You can have my Wu Tang nickname. You are now Brennan “Scratchin’ Madman” Boesch.

Regards,
Winsten Beauregarde

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Dear Luis Ortiz,
Whoooooaaaaah hoho look at your muscles! Bam Bam! Bam Bam! LOL. That said, we must ask you to find a new nickname, as “Bam Bam” is the exclusive property of my client, Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens, who also has big muscles so don’t even think about coming to my office looking for a fight.

Sincerely,
Winsten “Muscles” Beauregarde

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Dear Mr. Harper,
Mr. Harper, this is, unfortunately, the second time I am writing to you today. I have just learned that this is the second time you have taken on the nickname “Bam Bam.” I am trying to wrap my head around this fact. You have been nicknamed the same thing, independently, twice. There is only one nickname now! We used to have nicknames, and now we have nickname. We’re all nicknamed Bam Bam! You’re Bam Bam! I’m Bam Bam! You’re Bam Bam again! We’re all Bam Bam! I’m weeping, Mr. Harper. I’m literally weeping for us all.

Sincerely,
Winsten Beauregarde

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To: Winsten Beauregarde
CC: Hensley Meulens

Winsten,
I hear you have been sending cease-and-desist letters in protection of your “ownership claim” to the nickname “Bam Bam.” Come on, Win. You know my client Glenn Hubbard had that nickname first. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why, since he didn’t hit home runs or swing a big bat or anything. I guess because he was young. Anyway, it’s just a dumb nickname. So ease off the throttle a bit, okay? Let the kids have their fun.

Cheers,
Buddy “Bam Bam” Chuck