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We can't have a Hit List without Hit List Factors, and we can't have Hit List Factors without some results. But rather than deprive you of the good jokes, here's Something Like A Hit List. We'll return to our normal Hit List format in a few days.

Win Loss Expected Win PCT Sim Win Division PCT WC PCT Playoff PCT
CHN 0 0 0.56 90.6 67.9 16 84 In a show of team solidarity, Joe Maddon is going to have everyone wear the same jerseys in ball games this year. What a card!
LAN 0 0 0.557 90.1 66.2 14.7 80.8 With 10 players starting the season on the disabled list, perhaps not removing the bear traps from the Dodgers' camp was a poor choice in hindsight.
CLE 0 0 0.55 89 62.8 14.9 77.7 There's no Sports Illustrated jinx this year to contend with, but the hot dog they're selling with Froot Loops on it was self-inflicted.
NYN 0 1 0.548 88.9 55.1 21.5 76.5 To: Royals
Re: Series
Message: Okay, best six out of 11?
WAS 0 0 0.537 86.9 37.9 26.5 64.6 Clearly they were not able to defend last spring's World Series favorite crown, adding further evidence to the "regular season hangover" theory.
TBA 0 1 0.532 86 34.5 24.9 59.4 The Rays are a staggering 0-1 this season when their lineup features two Logans at the top of the order.
HOU 0 0 0.527 85.5 43.8 14.8 58.6 The Astros probably don't want to experience another roller coaster season, especially since Jose Altuve is not tall enough to ride it.
BOS 0 0 0.519 84.1 25.4 20.7 46.1 If Pablo Sandoval can't laugh at the fact that a player with $77 million left on his contract lost his starting job to a player with five career starts at third base, then he can pay someone to laugh for him, and make another person unreasonably happy.
SEA 0 0 0.514 83.1 29.4 14.2 43.5 Say what you will about expectations, but any April where the team doesn't relocate to Milwaukee is a successful team.
SFN 0 0 0.514 83.3 18.7 22.6 41.3 Madison Bumgarner is the youngest pitcher on the Giants staff by 11 months, so even though he's won three championships and a World Series MVP, by time on this earth he is most likely to not understand any given pop culture reference.
TOR 1 0 0.514 83.5 21.6 21 42.6 In the most ambitious social experiment north of the border since eliminating the penny, we're going to find out this year if a baseball team can win the AL East without a first baseman.
CHA 0 0 0.511 82.7 18.4 19.8 38.2 They may last the entire season without a full-time teenager in the clubhouse, but as consolation they still have a regular named Melky.
NYA 0 0 0.507 82 15.8 18.3 34.2 There are lots of things you shouldn't do with time travel, but chief among them is showing a baseball fan from 10 years ago the current states of CC Sabathia and Alex Rodriguez. Don't break their hearts; just let them find out naturally like the rest of us.
PIT 1 0 0.507 82.2 13.9 22 35.9 When you get right down to it, the card can't truly be that wild if Pittsburgh keeps claiming it.
SLN 0 1 0.505 81.7 11.6 19.7 31.3 Jeremy Hazelbaker's first major league plate appearance was a cool story on Opening Day.
"So they lost?"
"Yep."
TEX 0 0 0.491 79.5 13.2 9.3 22.5 It's too bad Ian Desmond didn't take uniform number 22 to see if his teammates would see the jersey and get the reference.
ARI 0 0 0.488 79 7.6 12.1 19.7 If Chris Owings in center field doesn't work out, he can always fall back on his Irish sports bar idea, Chris O'Wings.
DET 0 0 0.487 79 8.4 11.7 20.1 They don't play their first game until Tuesday, but there is still the chance of a seventh inning meltdown tonight.
MIN 0 0 0.484 78.6 6.9 10.8 17.7 Pretty ironic that they have so many Rookie of the Year candidates, yet the weird 90s movie about them was Little Big League.
MIA 0 0 0.482 78.1 5.2 10 15.2 The Marlins may be the first team in history whose offseason moves consisted of buying a 20-pack of pitchers at Costco, then sleeping until March.
MIL 0 0 0.479 77.6 4.4 9.2 13.6 With a revamped infield, the Brewers are certain to finish as high as fifth place in the division, perhaps even fourth.
SDN 0 0 0.477 77.4 4.3 8.4 12.8 This new-look team isn't your grandfather's Padres, which would make them your great-grandfather's, probably 90 years old and in no shape to hit a curveball.
OAK 0 0 0.474 76.9 7.1 5 12.1 Never make the same mistake twice. Given this, the A's are sure to never trade Josh Donaldson again.
ANA 0 0 0.472 76.4 6.5 4.7 11.2 If you have to ask why the Angels were playing an exhibition game after the regular season had technically begun, then you'll never know.
COL 0 0 0.47 76.3 3.2 7.4 10.6 Coors Field hosted a hockey game this offseason, and both teams only hit a combined three home runs. So this is a good sign for this year's park effects.
KCA 1 0 0.47 76 3.5 5.2 8.7 Once the Royals realize computers can do many more things than project baseball records, such as order pizza and sweep for mines, they might enjoy them more.
CIN 0 0 0.467 75.8 2.2 5.9 8.1 This may be a fine season in Cincinnati yet, with a lineup of Joey Votto and eight other masks Joey Votto can wear to the plate.
BAL 0 0 0.465 75.3 2.7 4.7 7.3 The Orioles have informed us that this comment better be about Hyun-soo Kim or else he gets released with full salary.
ATL 0 0 0.451 73.1 1.1 2.5 3.6 I wonder what the other 29 ballparks are going to gift to Turner Field on its retirement tour.
PHI 0 0 0.441 71.5 0.7 1.4 2.2 If that's not excitement you're feeling for Jeremy Hellickson as your Opening Day starter, it might have been that meatball sub you ate last night.

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LlarryA
4/04
Ah! Hit List! I've missed you so. Thanks, Matt!
pobothecat
4/04
Chris Colabello: "Hey, what?"
peabodydg
4/04
awsome as usual