Wezen-Ball: 37 Candidates, 37 (non-PED) Excuses

One reason not to vote for each of this year's Hall of Fame nominees that has nothing to do with steroids or other performance enhancing drugs.

• Jack Morris (14th year on ballot) – His 105 ERA+ in 3,824 career innings pitched is nearly identical to Jamie Moyer's 104 ERA+ in 4,074 career innings.
• Jeff Bagwell (3rd) – He would skyrocket to the top of the list of worst facial hair on a Hall of Fame plaque.
• Lee Smith (11th) – Saves are overrated.
• Tim Raines (6th) – He wasn't Rickey Henderson.
• Alan Trammell (12th) – He was a great shortstop right before Cal Ripken redefined what it meant to be a great shortstop.
• Edgar Martinez (4th) – He was a DH in Seattle.
• Fred McGriff (4th) – He never seemed to learn anything from Tom Emanski.
• Larry Walker (3rd) – His journey from Canada to Coors is too foreign.
• Mark McGwire (7th) – His home runs into Big Mac Land helped to make America fat.
• Don Mattingly (13th) – He never shaved those sideburns.
• Dale Murphy (15th) – His amazing 1980s seasons weren't enough to erase his sudden decline in the 1990s.
• Rafael Palmeiro (3rd) – As the fourth person ever to reach 3,000 hits and 500 home runs, it's no longer special.
• Bernie Williams (2nd) – Classical guitar is more of a Cleveland thing.
• Barry Bonds (1st) – He was a meanie jerkface.
• Roger Clemens (1st) – His cameo in "Kingpin" was nowhere near as good as Cam Neely's in "Dumb & Dumber".
• Mike Piazza (1st) – 396 home runs as a catcher doesn't even pass Dale Murphy's career home run total.
• Curt Schilling (1st) – The bloody sock has been seized by the state of Rhode Island.
• Kenny Lofton (1st) – He also wasn't Rickey Henderson.
• Craig Biggio (1st) – His close association with Jeff Bagwell and Ken Caminiti means one thing: secret terrible facial hair.
• Sammy Sosa (1st) – He wasn't Reggie Jackson.
• David Wells (1st) – Perfect games are overrated, I'm told.
• Steve Finley (1st) – 19th all-time in home runs after age 30, but just 1,172nd in home runs through 30—tied with Brian Schneider.
• Julio Franco (1st) – Franco is actually ineligible for the Hall, based on the little known rule stating that a player must be on the ballot for the first time within 30 years of his MLB debut.
• Reggie Sanders (1st) – Made the postseason six different times for five different teams, but helped win the World Series only once.
• Shawn Green (1st) – Mike Schmidt will forever be the last player to hit four home runs in a single game and go on to the Hall of Fame.
• Jeff Cirillo (1st) – Managed a career .430 slugging percentage playing from 1994 to 2007.
• Woody Williams (1st) – His 103 career ERA+ is nearly idential to Jamie Moyer's 104 career ERA+.
• Rondell White (1st) – A rule enacted in Hall of Fame voting since 2004: if you automatically picture the player in an Expos uniform when you hear his name, he cannot be admitted to the Hall.
• Ryan Klesko (1st) – 1,736 career games and only 987 career RBI? He doesn't deserve a single vote, no matter what some say.
• Aaron Sele (1st) – Middle name is Helmer, never actually helmed.
• Roberto Hernandez (1st) – Players who take on false identities should not be rewarded, especially when they're still playing(!).
• Royce Clayton (1st) – A .679 career OPS is barely better than Bill Mazeroski's .667 (and is worse when comparing OPS+, 78 to 84).
• Jeff Conine (1st) – The Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown is for more than just Marlins players.
• Mike Stanton (1st) – I know he's a great home run hitter, especially for a 22 year old, but we really should let his career play out before we give Stanton any Hall of Fame consideration.
• Sandy Alomar, Jr. (1st) – Even for a catcher, playing only 1,377 games in 20 seasons is a bit low.
• Jose Mesa (1st) – Has already earned his career accolades by finishing second in the Cy Young voting in 1995, ahead of David Cone and Mike Mussina.
• Todd Walker (1st) – Played on seven teams in 12 seasons.

See? It wasn't so hard!