We can't have a Hit List without Hit List Factors, and we can't have Hit List Factors without some results. But rather than deprive you of the good jokes, here's Something Like A Hit List. We'll return to our normal Hit List format in a few days.
| Win | Loss | Expected Win PCT | Sim Win | Division PCT | WC PCT | Playoff PCT | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| CHN | 0 | 0 | 0.56 | 90.6 | 67.9 | 16 | 84 | In a show of team solidarity, Joe Maddon is going to have everyone wear the same jerseys in ball games this year. What a card! |
| LAN | 0 | 0 | 0.557 | 90.1 | 66.2 | 14.7 | 80.8 | With 10 players starting the season on the disabled list, perhaps not removing the bear traps from the Dodgers' camp was a poor choice in hindsight. |
| CLE | 0 | 0 | 0.55 | 89 | 62.8 | 14.9 | 77.7 | There's no Sports Illustrated jinx this year to contend with, but the hot dog they're selling with Froot Loops on it was self-inflicted. |
| NYN | 0 | 1 | 0.548 | 88.9 | 55.1 | 21.5 | 76.5 | To: Royals Re: Series Message: Okay, best six out of 11? |
| WAS | 0 | 0 | 0.537 | 86.9 | 37.9 | 26.5 | 64.6 | Clearly they were not able to defend last spring's World Series favorite crown, adding further evidence to the "regular season hangover" theory. |
| TBA | 0 | 1 | 0.532 | 86 | 34.5 | 24.9 | 59.4 | The Rays are a staggering 0-1 this season when their lineup features two Logans at the top of the order. |
| HOU | 0 | 0 | 0.527 | 85.5 | 43.8 | 14.8 | 58.6 | The Astros probably don't want to experience another roller coaster season, especially since Jose Altuve is not tall enough to ride it. |
| BOS | 0 | 0 | 0.519 | 84.1 | 25.4 | 20.7 | 46.1 | If Pablo Sandoval can't laugh at the fact that a player with $77 million left on his contract lost his starting job to a player with five career starts at third base, then he can pay someone to laugh for him, and make another person unreasonably happy. |
| SEA | 0 | 0 | 0.514 | 83.1 | 29.4 | 14.2 | 43.5 | Say what you will about expectations, but any April where the team doesn't relocate to Milwaukee is a successful team. |
| SFN | 0 | 0 | 0.514 | 83.3 | 18.7 | 22.6 | 41.3 | Madison Bumgarner is the youngest pitcher on the Giants staff by 11 months, so even though he's won three championships and a World Series MVP, by time on this earth he is most likely to not understand any given pop culture reference. |
| TOR | 1 | 0 | 0.514 | 83.5 | 21.6 | 21 | 42.6 | In the most ambitious social experiment north of the border since eliminating the penny, we're going to find out this year if a baseball team can win the AL East without a first baseman. |
| CHA | 0 | 0 | 0.511 | 82.7 | 18.4 | 19.8 | 38.2 | They may last the entire season without a full-time teenager in the clubhouse, but as consolation they still have a regular named Melky. |
| NYA | 0 | 0 | 0.507 | 82 | 15.8 | 18.3 | 34.2 | There are lots of things you shouldn't do with time travel, but chief among them is showing a baseball fan from 10 years ago the current states of CC Sabathia and Alex Rodriguez. Don't break their hearts; just let them find out naturally like the rest of us. |
| PIT | 1 | 0 | 0.507 | 82.2 | 13.9 | 22 | 35.9 | When you get right down to it, the card can't truly be that wild if Pittsburgh keeps claiming it. |
| SLN | 0 | 1 | 0.505 | 81.7 | 11.6 | 19.7 | 31.3 | Jeremy Hazelbaker's first major league plate appearance was a cool story on Opening Day. "So they lost?" "Yep." |
| TEX | 0 | 0 | 0.491 | 79.5 | 13.2 | 9.3 | 22.5 | It's too bad Ian Desmond didn't take uniform number 22 to see if his teammates would see the jersey and get the reference. |
| ARI | 0 | 0 | 0.488 | 79 | 7.6 | 12.1 | 19.7 | If Chris Owings in center field doesn't work out, he can always fall back on his Irish sports bar idea, Chris O'Wings. |
| DET | 0 | 0 | 0.487 | 79 | 8.4 | 11.7 | 20.1 | They don't play their first game until Tuesday, but there is still the chance of a seventh inning meltdown tonight. |
| MIN | 0 | 0 | 0.484 | 78.6 | 6.9 | 10.8 | 17.7 | Pretty ironic that they have so many Rookie of the Year candidates, yet the weird 90s movie about them was Little Big League. |
| MIA | 0 | 0 | 0.482 | 78.1 | 5.2 | 10 | 15.2 | The Marlins may be the first team in history whose offseason moves consisted of buying a 20-pack of pitchers at Costco, then sleeping until March. |
| MIL | 0 | 0 | 0.479 | 77.6 | 4.4 | 9.2 | 13.6 | With a revamped infield, the Brewers are certain to finish as high as fifth place in the division, perhaps even fourth. |
| SDN | 0 | 0 | 0.477 | 77.4 | 4.3 | 8.4 | 12.8 | This new-look team isn't your grandfather's Padres, which would make them your great-grandfather's, probably 90 years old and in no shape to hit a curveball. |
| OAK | 0 | 0 | 0.474 | 76.9 | 7.1 | 5 | 12.1 | Never make the same mistake twice. Given this, the A's are sure to never trade Josh Donaldson again. |
| ANA | 0 | 0 | 0.472 | 76.4 | 6.5 | 4.7 | 11.2 | If you have to ask why the Angels were playing an exhibition game after the regular season had technically begun, then you'll never know. |
| COL | 0 | 0 | 0.47 | 76.3 | 3.2 | 7.4 | 10.6 | Coors Field hosted a hockey game this offseason, and both teams only hit a combined three home runs. So this is a good sign for this year's park effects. |
| KCA | 1 | 0 | 0.47 | 76 | 3.5 | 5.2 | 8.7 | Once the Royals realize computers can do many more things than project baseball records, such as order pizza and sweep for mines, they might enjoy them more. |
| CIN | 0 | 0 | 0.467 | 75.8 | 2.2 | 5.9 | 8.1 | This may be a fine season in Cincinnati yet, with a lineup of Joey Votto and eight other masks Joey Votto can wear to the plate. |
| BAL | 0 | 0 | 0.465 | 75.3 | 2.7 | 4.7 | 7.3 | The Orioles have informed us that this comment better be about Hyun-soo Kim or else he gets released with full salary. |
| ATL | 0 | 0 | 0.451 | 73.1 | 1.1 | 2.5 | 3.6 | I wonder what the other 29 ballparks are going to gift to Turner Field on its retirement tour. |
| PHI | 0 | 0 | 0.441 | 71.5 | 0.7 | 1.4 | 2.2 | If that's not excitement you're feeling for Jeremy Hellickson as your Opening Day starter, it might have been that meatball sub you ate last night. |
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