For the first time in Mocking the Draft history we’re supplementing our first-round coverage with some additional an-[holds finger to ear] they’re telling me I can’t call this analysis. Let’s say “coverage,” then. Perhaps it’s because the top 200 names we had to choose from weren’t all that great this year. Perhaps it’s because the name Zane Zurbrugg appeared in our timelines and has been burning a hole in our brains ever since. We’ll never really know. Anyway, this is a list of a bunch of names we thought were kinda cool or kinda funny or just read like they embodied something. We made comments on some of them. Enjoy. –Ben Carsley & Craig Goldstein
Round 1:
Josh Jung
Michael Young’s illiterate, alliterative son.
Ethan Small
Anthony Volpe
JJ Goss
Round 2:
Gunnar Henderson
John Doxakis
This is just Woody Allen trying to ask for one Dos Equis.
Aaron Schunk
Grae Kessinger
Maybe he’ll win the Nobel Peace Prize after he hits someone in the head with a fastball or something.
Yordys Valdes
Chase Strumpf
Jared Triolo
Logan Driscoll
Round 3:
Grant Gambrell
Peyton Burdick
Spencer Steer
Cowboy Up indeed.
Jack Kochanowicz
You can tell me your brain didn’t autocorrect this to Jim from The Office’s real name but I won’t believe you.
Tristin English
No.
Joseph Naranjo
Orange you glad this isn’t another Trystyn.
Levi Stoudt
When you can’t remember the “apple-bottom jeans” lyric.
Round 4:
Matt Brash
How is this not Nick Swisher’s real name?
Jake Mangum
Ethan Small’s mortal enemy. -BC
One half of an ‘80s buddy cop duo where the other half is an animal. -CG
Andre Pallante
Kasey Kalich
Noah Song
He should have a pretty interesting career arc.
Round 5:
John Rave
The critics love him.
Evan Fitterer
Tired of these crossfit guys.
Garrett Frechette
Gunner Mayer
Round 6:
Maverick Handley
I’m not sure I even have anything for this but lmao -BC
The name of the animal that is the other half of that buddy cop duo with Jake Mangum. -CG
MD Johnson
The fake name of a “doctor” in a video that Dayton Moore would NOT approve of.
Drake Fellows
Whichever sports team is good at that moment.
Zach Peek
As if the obsession over sign-stealing wasn’t bad enough.
Jackson Cluff
“Cluff” is the inverse of “chuff.” When you have a crap day because someone ruined your hat, you’re absolutely cluffed about it.
Pedro Pages
George R.R. Martin doesn’t have ‘em.
Aaron Ochsenbein
Hayden Wesneski
Matthew Barefoot
2014 Carsley’s favorite baseball player. -CG
Most accessible player, maybe. – BC
Round 7:
Luke Ritter
Xzavion Curry
We stan a king. – CG
Strong disagree. This name sucks. – BC
Blair Henley
We’re overwhelmed with choice. An English trust fund baby who falsely claims to have invented the Henley. A Southern woman of high society who not to be trifled with – on the polo grounds or the boardroom. A Northeastern, monied frat bro whose greatest contribution to any discussion is a haughty scoff.
Round 8:
Griffin McLarty
DJ Gladney’s biggest fan.
Angel Camacho
Would watch every one of the 8 movies based on this action hero.
Connor Wollersheim
Casey Legumina
Nate Fassnacht
Kyle Brnovich
Dominic Canzone
<<< Dominic P’zone
Davidjohn Herz
I complain about double first-namers but this is ridiculous. -CG
I would like to fight him, I’m pretty sure. – BC
Round 9:
Evan Brabrand
Doesn’t matter which one. Just pick a brand. La Perla, Hanky Panky, Calvin Klein, DKNY, Bali. Pick a new one every time, it really doesn’t matter.
Simon Whiteman
One of the guys in Clayton Kershaw’s posse.
Rudy Rott
‘80s wrestler whose tagline was Rott’n to the Core.
Bobby Ay
One of the guys in this image
Peyton Battenfield
Big Pat Benatar fan.
Round 10:
Jeff Houghtby
McCarthy Tatum
When the potato is a communist.
Cameron Junker
Blessedly is a pitcher. -CG
Born to be an Oriole. -BC
Jack Yalowitz
Wyatt Hendrie
Round 11:
Vinnie Pasquantino
Heir to Val Pascucci for most New York/Italian name in baseball.
Vaughn Grissom
Nick Mikolajchak
Brock Begue
Something something Begueing the question
Round 12:
Kade Strowd
Jack Dashwood
Romance novel-ass name.
Antoine Mistico
Better romance novel-ass name.
Hunter Bigge
When you’re drunk and trying to remember Hunter Renfroe’s name. -BC
Ethan Small’s other mortal enemy -CG
Round 13:
Luke Berryhill
Harrison Freed
Literally the plot of The Fugitive. -BC
Also the headline when Monte gets promoted. -CG
Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good draft.
Tommy Jew
“Say. the whole. word.”
Micah Pries
We were this close to having a Jew and a Priest in the same round, which would have been the start of a pretty good joke.
Jacob Cantleberry
Well, not with that attitude.
Round 14:
Bodi Rascon
Your girlfriend took a body shot off of him in Cancun when she was a junior in college. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Cody Lawyerson
Threatens to sue if you bat flip him.
Patrick Frick
Elliot from Scubs’ favorite player.
McKinley Moore
Sure, he only lasted six months as President, we’d all like to have seen McKinley Moore. -CG
Calling him Denali Moore will *enrage* your uncle. – BC
Round 15:
Randon Hostert
Carter Aldrete
Louie Varland
Connor Blair
Round 16:
Shelton Perkins
DJ Gladney
Plays a weird mix of Scottish folk and house music. Sometimes it works. More often it doesn’t.
Andrew Nardi
Another one of Andy Bernard’s fake-ass names.
Kona Quiggle
Assistant professor in Hufflepuff-ass name.
Triston Polley
No.
Jackxarel Lebron
Now this is a legend we stan. -BC
Thanks, I hate it. -CG
Dakota Donovan
Your heart still skips a beat everytime you think about Dakota Donovan. She was a gorgeous brunette on a mission, and you were just a … you know what, I can’t do this again yet.
Trysten Barlow
NO.
Johzan Oquendo
Brady Basso
Shaine McNeely
Oraj Anu
Excited for any headline combining home run slang terms and a last name possessive here.
Round 17:
Morgan McSweeney
AJ Block
When you want to be listed ahead of the national tax chain in the Yellow Pages.
Antoine Jean
~*was not my lover.*~
Dutch Landis
…actually called “The Netherlands.”
Julian Escobedo
Editor-in-chief of Jezebel I’m p sure.
Michael YaSenka
YaSenka, you dead, mon?
Round 18:
Malachi Emond
Burle Dixon
Lost to Kacey Musgraves for country album of the year.
Jason Ruffcorn
Corn’s badass, risk-taking cousin.
Edouard Julien
Needs to meet up with James Beard.
Aaron Antonini
Look it’s nothing special but this is a lot of name to be majority vowels.
Mahki Backstrom
Tyler Driver
Jeff Belge
Ashton McGee
Jacob Herbert
Round 19:
Chris Givin
Blaine Crim
Kanoa Pagan
Hunter Parsons
Tyler Yankosky
Zarion Sharpe
An NPC at The Tower in Destiny 2. Backstory is never explained. Just gives you Glimmer.
Tyler Krabbe
Just tickle his underbelly if he pinches you.
Round 20:
Andrew Navigato
Najee Gaskins
Cade Marlowe
A soap opera villain I’m actually rooting for somehow?
Yorvis Torrealba
So are we gonna get a Yorvir Torrealba in a few years too?
Round 21:
Ashton Creal
Bryce Fehmel
Parker Caracci
Bradley Hanner
Hilton Dyar
So, like, Eugene O’Neill?*
Trey LaFleur
The star of Dodgeball: The Reboot in 2036.
Round 22:
Logan Glass
Cole Zabowski
Javeyan Williams
Tucker Maxwell
I didn’t really care for Tucker Max the first time around.
Trent Tingelstad
Trent Tingles Tad, reads a headline from the Romney family newsletter.
Ben Peoples
“Ben Persons” I say, as I’m mauled by the crowd.
Fineas De Bonta-Smith
Gerritt van Zijill
Am I having a stroke?
Dominic D’Alessandro
Round 23:
Nic Ready
Not ready enough to finish that first name I guess.
Griffin Dey
The perfect draft pick for Cincinnati.
JC Keys
Brylie Ware
Cyrillo Watson
Round 24:
Jakob Goldfarb
Quinten Sefcik
Michael Bienlien
Kipp Rollings
Deputy Editor at The Atlantic.
Bryce Ball
Belated off-season headline in Philadelphia.
Duke Kinamon
Trayson Kubo
Jake Pries
Well ask him to not be so rude.
Round 25:
Rafael Xavier Pelletier
Jamie Sara
Ethan Goforth
Jonny Deluca
EP Reese
Call me he graduates to Album Reese.
Round 26:
Quincy McAfee
Jean-Christophe Masson
Thirteenth century religious scholar who was tragically executed for his opinion “idk, lefties don’t seem that bad to me?”
Ryan Troutman
The one person who properly appreciates Mike Trout.
Round 27:
Casey Combs
Beau Brieske
Samson Abernathy
Eric Lex
Parker Brahms
Classic.
Cayne Ueckert
Zane Zurbrugg
Ueckert and Zurbrugg are the lead characters in a future-set militaristic adventure video game that generates waves at E3 and never gets finished due to a reliance on an over-aggressive development schedule and not enough money.
Round 28:
Caeden Trenkle
A 21-year-old Princeton sophomore who Fox News brings on to complain about safe spaces. Then files a lawsuit when he turns into a meme.
Bear Bellomy
Actually, a pretty good-ass name. Would rock his shirsey.
Serafino Brito
San Pellegrino’s $400 entry into the water filter game.
Round 29:
Houston Roth
Kaleb Roper
Yassel Pino
Owen Diodati
Micah Yonamine
Breyln Jones
I don’t know how to say this first name. I’ve tried. It mostly comes out like “brailn” and…that…that can’t be right. I’ve also seen it listed as Brelyn which, wrong as it is feels more right. But Draft Tracker says “Breyln” and I just don’t know anymore.
Round 30:
Dalton Stambaugh
Jimmy Govern
Polling better than Jim Delaney on name alone, and he’s not even running.
Ripken Reyes
Anthony Hoopii-Tuionetoa
Justin Crump
Cameron Dulle
Cody Grosse
Dawson McCarville
Round 31:
Josh Bissonette
Jared Janczak
Peyton Plumlee
Feleipe Franks
Round 32:
Harris Yett
Chandler Redmond
Jackson Tate
Cody Birdsong
Will be singing a very different tune depending on if he ends up an Oriole or a Cardinal.
Bryce Windham
Ethan Hoopingarner
Round 33:
Trey Jeans
When you’ve loaded up on Levi Stoudts.
Keegan Pulford-Thorpe
Three-time Pulitzer Prize winner who absolutely uses the cliche journo Twitter avi default pose. – BC
British MP most famous for spilling a milkshake on himself and then claiming he was attacked. -CG
Spencer Mraz
Cole Kleszcz
Cutter Clawson
Ernny Ordonez
I got nothing. Just an incredible approach to spelling Ernie.
Julio Carrion
His last name means dead animal so definitely an Oriole.
Round 34:
Jalen Battles
Ridge Chapman
Dylan Shockley
Alec Wisely
Joey Lancellotti
Carter Bach
Also classic.
Round 35:
Logan Britt
Torin Montgomery
Robert Klinchock
Tanner Cooper
PICK A PROFESSION AND STICK WITH IT, my god.
Odrick Pitre
Sounds like a Night’s Watch Ranger who got four paragraphs of meaningless background before dying of dysentery in A Clash of Kings.
Zach Rafuse
When Davies has a bad outing.
Nathaniel Espelin
Wasn’t this the LARP name from Role Models?
Round 36:
Declin Cronin
Pavin Parks
Deforestation is a serious issue.
Cameron Repetti
Is … is his middle name also Cameron?
Sam Wibbels
Good for Sam.
Shay Smiddy
The location when your pal from Boston hosts a dinner party.
Jake Walkinshaw
Montana Semmel
Round 37:
Garvin Alston
Levi Usher
YOU: Oh, so you work at Macy’s?
YOUR OBNOXIOUS COUSIN: Actually, I’m a …
Trei Cruz
CJ Dandeneau
Jaylon McLaughlin
Abimael Gonzalez
Chase Wheatcroft
Connor Prielipp
Round 38:
Augue Sylk
Tyresse Tuner
Ryan Sloniger
Round 39:
AJ Bumpass
AJ Burnett was surly, sure but this seems a little much as far as nicknames go.
Octavio Corona
When you’re binge drinking before your Spanish final and someone asks you how many beers you’ve crushed.
Jake Hirabayashi
What Jeremy Jamm would try to name his son.
Jacob Hurtubise
“What the f*ck, Jacob?” – Ubise
Round 40:
Bobby Zmarzlak
Kade Mechals
Gianluca Dalatri
Koty Fallon
Camden Lovrich
Logan Steenstra
Tyson Heaton
For when you get too high to make it to Popeye’s on time.
Cash Rugely
When Scooby Doo wins big at the casino.
Perry McMichen
Caden Bunnell
*Yes, I know, it was a Sheraton
Thank you for reading
This is a free article. If you enjoyed it, consider subscribing to Baseball Prospectus. Subscriptions support ongoing public baseball research and analysis in an increasingly proprietary environment.
Subscribe now