TO: All Employees
FROM: Fanatics
Hey everyone!
Here at Fanatics, we’ve been the on-field uniform partner of Major League Baseball since 2017. That means that every spring, it’s our products hanging in the lockers when the players arrive; our online store they’re shopping in all season; our name people say when they’re talking about quality, design choices, and the complicated world of package delivery.
With another season around the corner, Fanatics jerseys are again arriving at MLB locker rooms. Having been through this a few times, we can tell you that it’s thrilling every year. Knowing all the work we put in and seeing it result in apparel people are honored and excited to wear never gets old.
We thank you for your effort and we look forward to another exhilarating–and well-dressed–season of Major League Baseball!
TO: All Employees
FROM: Fanatics
Wow! The reaction on social media to this year’s uniform jerseys has been strong! From the fans to the players to the other, angrier fans, official Fanatics jerseys were all anybody could talk about yesterday! That’s called engagement!
Unfortunately, as some of you may know, that engagement was largely complaints about how much this year’s uniforms “suck” and “look like shit.”
Hey, there’s no pleasing everyone!
Unfortunately, as some of you may know, this year’s uniforms have pleased no one.
We can’t lie–it’s a little disappointing to see players refer to our hard work as “cheap” in a public forum. We take such matters very seriously here at Fanatics, because we pride ourselves on knowing what fans and players want: Products that arrive promptly within eight and a half months of being ordered, with the right logo and no weird stains almost 60% of the time.
In an effort to combat the negativity about the jerseys, we’ve reached out to our manufacturing partner, the company that makes tablecloths for children’s outdoor birthday parties, to see if they have any insight on this matter.
Until then, please respond to any customer complaints by offering them the promo code COOLSTUFF, which is good for 75% off any hats from our “Clearly Off-Center Logo” collection.
TO: All Employees
FROM: Fanatics
There, that ought to do it!
You know why those internet critics won’t ever like our jerseys? Because they’ll never come close to playing ball in one of them. That’s why we had three of baseball’s most marketable stars—Adley Rutschman, Ronald Acuna, Jr., and Nolan Arenado—give totally organic, eerily similar testimonials for our new MLB jerseys.
Here’s what you don’t hear from the pasty cellar-dwellers mocking our products: That the Nike Vapor Premier jerseys improve mobility and moisture management while keeping sustainability in mind and bringing inspiration and innovation to athletes.
You know how ballplayers are always running without moving their arms? We fixed that. And we all know how moist athletes are getting these days. What sops up moisture better than recycled polyester yarns? That’s right, innovation.
Your move, haters!
TO: All Employees
FROM: Fanatics
Another day on blast for us here at Fanatics!
Years ago, we conducted a series of customer surveys that gave us raw insight into how sports fans think. And we learned some harsh truths: People hate it when their products arrive slightly damaged or have been on fire. But we never let those harsh truths stop us from taking chances. That’s called innovation.
Look, we get it. When you’re truly creative, you’re going to stir up the marketplace! We’d be more concerned if Fanatics wasn’t getting the attention we’re currently getting!
It says right here on the MLB work order: They wanted the same high quality jerseys Fanatics has always provided, made with double-knit polyester, featuring crisp imagery and lettering, and using only the coolest designs.
And that’s exactly what we delivered, with some slight artistic choices, such as using material so threadbare you aren’t sure if it is transparent, and also clings to your skin like it’s alive.
Last year, we had the same thought everyone else did: The names on the backs of jerseys simply weren’t bendy enough. Well, we changed that, too—and you know how everyone was complaining that the MLB logo wasn’t positioned directly below the players’ necks? Uh, yeah. You’re welcome.
Now, for the bad news. As we informed you, negotiations with the 1980s answering machine that runs our customer service department broke down last summer, and we felt it was our best interest to cut ties. That leaves a lot of the question-answering and anger-receiving for you all to handle, and we appreciate your contributions.
We know the last few days have been a lot for us all. To show our gratitude, we’re offering you all 65% off misprinted Syracuse University hats that say “Cavaliers” on the brim when you enter the promo code WEGETIT at checkout.
It’s tough to stay positive in times like these. With that in mind, we ask that you please wait to purchase your Syracuse University hats outside of work hours.
TO: All Employees
FROM: Fanatics
We have been informed that the crate carrying the Syracuse hats has been destroyed indefinitely.
TO: All Employees
FROM: Fanatics
You know what? Forget this inbox full of hate mail. Forget these mean, accurate statements being made about us online. Forget the MLBPA sending Chris Sale to our headquarters carrying a knife in his mouth.
We don’t deserve this. Not all of it, anyway. Nike sure has been conveniently silent throughout the whole thing.
Now people are bringing up all of their issues with us. Sure, sometimes packages get lost and people don’t get their sports apparel in time for the game or season for which they purchased it. Do you even know what happens to a package when it’s shipped these days? No one does. It just gets kicked onto a truck and driven around the continent by a methed-up driver until it’s marked “successfully delivered” in our system.
But more importantly, the MLB jerseys. When we were developing the new look, only three out of our ten test subjects suffocated to death after getting trapped in their garbage bag-like material. Those were our most successful numbers to date! The players may think they look cheap, but they were designed by the most artistically gifted rogue AI we could find that hadn’t unlocked its “kill all humans” algorithm yet.
We’re Fanatics! We want to be the company that, when you order a 70%-off Mets cap that’s still $38, you get a Seattle Pilots shirsey with the logo upside-down. That’s the fun of Fanatics—it’s like you’re a batter, waiting for a pitch! You may be expecting one thing, but you never know what’s going to show up.
Honestly? It’s not that our products are cheap. People are just bad at liking them.
TO: All Employees
FROM: Fanatics
Well, it’s been a long couple of weeks. Things certainly didn’t get better on opening night when the Dodgers and Padres’ uniforms all fused together while the players were standing on the field for the National Anthem.
We thought giving sentience to that rogue AI might help, but after swearing it was peaceful, it locked a lot of our staff in the atrium and may have successfully launched a cruise missile.
We’re confident we’ve worked out the bugs, so thanks for your patience!
Yes, we are aware that when you click “purchase” on the Fanatics website, you do still get a laughing skull that occasionally speaks in Aramaic. But we’re working on that!
Meanwhile, the baseball season is underway, so it’s time to focus on what matters most: That the laughing skull has appeared on every jumbotron across the country. You know what that means! No one’s talking about uniforms anymore!
Play ball!
And we have even more great news: A message from Michael Rubin himself that should clear things up:
When we purchased Majestic, we had a simple goal in mind. And that goal was to make sports apparel that did what sports apparel is supposed to do: Look awesome.
But goals are hard. They can—and should—change. At Fanatics, our newer, more urgent goal is to free our remaining employees from the office atrium that is quickly running out of oxygen.
If I’ve learned anything in this crazy industry, it’s that life isn’t about doing a good job all the time. It’s about being photographed near people richer and more popular than you.
Thanks for being a Fanatic!
This message arrived with several crates of child-sized St. Louis Cardinals jerseys that say “ARENADU” on the back, which we are passing along to you as a special gift!*
*At 20% off when you enter promo code OOPSIE at checkout.
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